Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
