if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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