I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
