and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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