Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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