Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The Olympian is in my bed
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
