Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
