I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
