Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
