I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The struggles of a small town man whore
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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