so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
