Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
