dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
