i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
