I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize