Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
