I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
