So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
BRING THE BAGELS
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize
