if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize