They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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