You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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