Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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