i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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