I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
