I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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