she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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