Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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