So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
