Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
