So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
