I hate all girls vehemently.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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