Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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