i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize