what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
