I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
