she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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