dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You're like the curious george of whores
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
