I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
