I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
