I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
