Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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