you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
