I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
