he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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