I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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