So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
