Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
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