Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And then he peed in my hair
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