If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it's great music for shaving your balls
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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