Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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