Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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