You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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