theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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