I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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