I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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