your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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