im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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