I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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