I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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