bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my phone needs a breathalizer
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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