Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
