nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
