She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
