I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize