I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Your cock deserves a montage
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
