Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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